26 Feb, 2010

I have a girlfriend who suffers from Multiple Dating Personality Disorder (MDPD). In the past 18 months, she’s gone from Rock Princess (leather jacket, ripped jeans) to Glossy Glamour (shiny hair, teeny-tiny dresses) to Country Bumpkin (cowboy boots, flannels), all depending on the guy she’s dating.

You’d be mistaken for thinking she was auditioning for a role on United States Of Tara.

Celeb MDPD cases

And she’s not alone, countless women suffer from MDPD. Katie Holmes went from long-haired Dawson’s Creek square while being engaged to actor Chris Klein, to razor-sharp-bob-wielding Mrs Tom Cruise, almost overnight. Jessica Simpson visited the “dark side”, dyeing her famous golden locks brown to win the approval of moody beau at the time, John Mayer, later citing, “I thought I had to be deeper, more profound and more artsy”.

Then, months later, she re-emerged blonder than ever as a jersey-wearing WAG to then football boyfriend Tony Romo.

Identity crisis

It’s an easy mistake to make. We get so immersed in a new relationship that we abandon the things that made us attractive in the first place. Sure, we may respect aspects of our partner’s identity, but, when we start to lose our own, it’s only a matter of time before our self-esteem, friendships and, ultimately, our relationships suffer.

But who we “are”, is neither fixed nor singular. Our tastes, goals and opinions change depending on the experiences we have, the people we meet (and smooch) and the simple passage of time. It’s human nature to seek something different, to want to incorporate aspects of the people we love into our own identity.

When two people hang out a lot, it’s only a matter of time before they start blending into one, even looking like each other. Just check out pets and their owners. It’s so frighteningly common you might want to reconsider buying yourself that stumpy, goggle-eyed Pug.

Blending in?

But isn’t this “blending” reserved for nauseating couples? You know, the kind who visit Disneyland wearing matching T-shirts. I thought so. But, the other day, as my boyfriend and I were dancing like freaks to ’80s pop music, it occurred to me: I was no different. Transplant my performance into another unsuspecting dude’s living room and you can be sure he’d be speed dialing 000!

Right about the time I was performing the “robot” to my man’s uproarious laughter, I realised that we had become so similar over time and had so many in-jokes, shared interests, and common experiences, that if we were ever to break up, I’m sure I’d have to hide huge parts of myself in order to be successfully re-absorbed into single society.

This got me thinking: If I were to fall in love again, would a new relationship with a different person bring out a different aspect of my own personality, one that didn’t involve tragic dance moves? It was then I realised that maybe it’s okay to try different styles on for size. How else will we know what suits us best. When it comes to identity, perhaps it’s good to be a little country, glamour and rock.

For more of Kathryn’s relationship musings, check out kathryneisman.com.