16 Dec, 2009

The “I will save you!” urge

Saviour Syndrome (aka “White Knight Syndrome”) is characterised by fixated thoughts and behaviours based around trying to “rescue” another person from their troubled lives. It’s a commonly raised issue in psychologists’ offices, and is often alluded to in pop culture (and many stand-up comedy sets).

People take on the saviour role when there’s disorder in their lives, according to Sally-Anne McCormack, principal psychologist on webpsychologist.com.au.

“It’s natural to want a certain level of control; humans can’t live in total mayhem,” McCormack says. “If your world is chaotic, it can actually be easier to take control of someone else’s life – similar to the way it’s simpler to tidy up another person’s house than your own.

Often, these ‘saviors’ may be trying to escape their own issues by immersing themselves in another’s. Insecurity can also play a part, as some women want to save bad relationships because they think they can’t do any better. “They’ll try to fix the man they’re going out with, even if he’s clearly wrong for them,” says McCormack. She adds that taking on a saviour role can put a lot of pressure on an already stressed person.

Directing your own soap opera

Drama queens are also prime candidates for saviour syndrome. “If you’re not satisfied with the excitement level in your day-to-day life, you might become overly involved in improving someone else’s,” explains McCormack.

It’s like taking a person on as a project – the danger being that the saviour’s self-esteem gets tied up in the human assignment, causing serious disappointment if it
fails. “If the person they’re working on doesn’t feel the need to change, the ‘rescuer’ is just banging their head against a brick wall,” says McCormack.

The prince mightn’t want to be rescued

Real life is not a Coldplay song – there’s no romance in trying to fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. “Helping others becomes unhealthy when it starts taking precedence over things in your own life.

If you can’t perform at work, or can’t find the time to visit family because you’re so engrossed in saving someone, that’s a problem,” says McCormack. To get back on track, ask yourself questions like, “Am I balancing my health, relationships and career eff ectively? Is there too much eff ort going into one area?”.

It all comes down to balance, which is something that a lot of young women struggle with – and something that’s very easily thrown off by a fixation on helping others.

Passion vs addiction

When people with saviour syndrome come into McCormack’s practice, she highlights the difference between passion and addiction. “A passion is something that enhances you, while an addiction takes over your life. One enriches; the other damages,” she explains.

Or think of this analogy: emotionally, you’re like a glass of champagne. The good friends and lovers will top you up, the bad ones will leave you dry.